For the first month at least, I was suicidal. There was only so much I could talk to my parents about. They were trying their hardest to understand what I had done (downloading images) and phoning Stop it Now a couple of days after was good at first but when the police stopped updating me, there was only so much I could talk to SIN about. So I wanted face-to-face therapy, and this is where StopSO came in to my life.

I started therapy just under a month after my devices were taken but 2 years prior to actually being arrested. In that time I have had over 40 sessions and learned so much about my actions and why I arrived at the point I did.

The bond with my closest family (my extended family are currently unaware) has become much tighter as I have sought help and ran with it, something that has been vitally important to those around me instead of just waiting for justice.

The professionalism and knowledge of my psychotherapist has been fantastic. I can talk freely and get an educated response. What I might have been reserved about talking through with my family, I can open up about with StopSO.

It has meant I have been able to get on top of my offending and knowing I have been able to stop is amazing, I tried in the past but was not aware of the stages of offending until I learned them through therapy.

With a court case finally looming in the distance, I am in a better position to deal with the outcome of it and start a new (albeit restricted) life in the future.

When I have got through the court system, I will be continuing the sessions as not one day has gone by where I have thought it hasn’t been worth my money or time being there.

Two years ago I was contemplating which bridge on the M6 motorway I could end my life from.

Now I drive past that bridge whenever I go and see my parents and each time I feel honoured to have found the help from StopSO and everyone else along the way.

I have been through and continue to receive support. The therapy, knowledge, preparation and support for what I have been and will be going through has been instrumental in my mental wellbeing. I myself and others have noticed my improvement and this is continuing. I cannot thank my therapist and the team enough.

The other desire wants to hide away – shameful, scared and guilty. It wasn’t until many months into therapy that the work I had done so far unlocked memories of trauma that I hadn’t faced in decades. Again, there was a desire to explore the memories – to understand how they fit into to later offending and mental health, but then there was a disgust and a fear of facing it, or talking about it.

I think the clients voice can change within the session, let alone session by session. The voice that is trying to convince themselves, and the therapist, that they weren’t completely aware of what they were doing – filled with justifications and distraction techniques – to absolve themselves and skirt around the issues. The voice that tries to be rational, and assimilate everything the therapist is saying, and piece everything together to get a coherent understanding of their past, present and future. The voice where, occasionally, nearly all the dams break down and the tears come flooding and the sequence of events, memories and desires becomes a jumble. And then, of course, the voice of guilt, shame and fear – the one that has to admit that there was a desire, a temptation, a soothing from offending.

At first I’m not sure how aware I was of this oscillating persona I was portraying. I knew, of course, that one day I would sit in therapy and tell silly stories and bring my homework and remember the theoreticians – and another day I would sit half-numb clutching the cushion in front of me and forgetting what we had covered the week before – and another time I would sit there and sob and apologise and use up half the tissues. But, over time, looking behind these actions, I realised that I was dealing with all the emotions that had built up over so many years and led to offending behaviour, severe mental health issues, and the burying of trauma.

I was aware of how switched on my therapist was to my different desires and portrayals. She would never stop me, or try to quench what I was saying – even if there were elements of self delusion in what I was saying. Instead, she would let the emotions and words surface, calm, and then discuss them. But not just discuss what I’d said, but how I had said it, and why. Examples I can think of include:

– Challenging the defensive way in which I would preface stories and explanations of my parents, that ‘everything was ok really’
– Encourage me to ‘bring vampires into the light’ – the vampires being my justifications for offending, and how they need to be challenged and broken down
– Reflecting on my body language and tone when discussing sexuality – changes in energy levels and ‘camp’ portrayals
– Asking me to look behind stories that involved jokes, story-telling and playing the weirdo, in order to see what I was afraid to say without these safety nets
– Knowing when I would touch on subjects in a surface manner, particularly past trauma, and give quick answers to avoid further exploration
– Noting how my body language, open or closed, tense or more relaxed, belied how I felt about certain topics

All of these discussions, challenges and areas of gentle support whilst I disclosed more helped me become more aware of my voices – and how my voice was manifest not just in what I said, but what I didn’t say, how many times I said certain things, how I acted and what my body was doing. My voice was written all over me – and my therapist never made it obvious that it was obvious – she allowed me to unlock these realisations in my own time.

There has been a lot to cover, and still to cover, that I find certain things easier and others harder. I have found talking about mental health, sexuality, grief and loss easier than I thought I would, and I have been able to talk about addiction and offending easier over time. Discussions around shame, numbness and guilt are harder. Discussions around any past, trauma I have experienced, and letting go of what I have lost, are the hardest. My therapist has used a number of techniques to help me find my voice, or become aware of my voice. Including:

– White board diagrams to help me visualise my internal landscape when offending and when dealing with my past
– Physical representations of emotions and values (the Russian dolls) to help me see what I need to hold on to and what I want to let go
– Homework to help me reflect on things we have covered in session in other quieter times in order to further discuss them later on
– Writing down things that are important, both to reflect on and return to when I need it, and things to cover in further sessions and I think about them
– Sessions which take a wider view of where we started, what we have covered and where we can go next in order to heal and evolve best

I think I have become more aware of my internal voice – the one that tells me negative things, and how to deal with this and find ways to quieten negative thinking that doesn’t serve. And also how to focus on the positive internal voice; how to cultivate it and use it whenever I need it most. I have explored thought patterns in relation to offending, addiction, childhood memories, loved ones in the present, anxiety and depression, and the prospect of the legal and justice system. Exploring how I think about these, what serves me and what doesn’t, what can calm me down and what makes me worse, has been one of the most important things in therapy. I have been more and more aware of my internal monologue and control my inner voice to serve me far better than it ever has.

I think these three areas, my physical, verbal and inner voice, have been explored in a way that has helped me best come to terms with where I was when I started therapy, what led me to start it, and where I need to go in the future. Being able to have a space to blurt things out, stay quiet, have your assumptions and excuses challenged, cry, make jokes, self-deprecate, and get angry is so important in finding these voices, recognising them for what they are, and working on how they can best serve me. Thank you for unlocking my awareness of, and utilisation of, my voices.